Posted on: August 3, 2009 4:29 pm
 

Odds and ends.

Well, seems I've got a few things on my mind lately.  First and foremost lets get this one out of the way quick!

Kevin Gregg should be a catcher. 

That way he's already on his knees when he blows the game. 

I don't think that there's a whole lot more to be said about that.  I don't know what his deal is, what could be going on inside his head, but I'm through figuring it out.  I just don't think he has the stuff to be a MLB closer.  Pure and simple, he doesn't have the tools, and neither does the rest of our bullpen.  Honestly what the hell happened down there!  My hats off to the Marlins because pure and simple the Chicago Cubs have been there knob gobbling sex slaves since 2003.  This last debacle down there has me so crazy that the other day I actually thought this thought....

Hows the B J Ryan experiment going down in arizona?

There I said it!  Im so freaking desperate that I'm hoping the guy the TORONTO Blue Jays kicked to the curb is ready to come help.  Cuz crap we need it.  Cuz kids, heres the skinny, the "real deal" if you will, and its really simple.  If the Cubs had a real closer they would be in sole possession of first place by at least two games. 

Damn it Hendry!  I hate blaming GM's but crap he sent us into the season with no closer.  No freaking closer!!!!!!!

sigh.

Next on the list... Mark DeRosa

Ok Cub nation, I'm going to say this one more time, just once!  QUIT CRYING ABOUT MARK DEROSA!  He's gone, who cares!  We don't need him and I'll tell you why, we have a new Mark Derosa, one that cost less with more of an upside, my man, Jake Fox.  He can play the OF, he can play the corners... and to make up for his lack of middle infield skill... he can catch!

Really he can!  I watched him catch 5 innings of shut out ball against the Astros, he won that game for us more than soriano's grand slam.

So kids, stop crying about Marky, we got Jake now!

Last of all, my man crush on Madison Bumgarner is expanding like the universe.  I mean its bad, real bad, it may someday even eclipse my atomically powered super crush on Kevin Youkilis.  What to do what to do. And I seriously thought no man would ever eclipse my man crush on the mighty youk and his majestic goat,  shit I'm the guy whos friends had to drunkenly stop him from paying 250 bucks to have a cubs jersey made that said TRADEFORYOUK, (gotta thank my friends for that one.)  Madison though, he is making me want to cheat, and making me want to cheat bad (I bought a San Francisco hat yesterday!)  GO! Youtube madison now!  Keywords Bumgarner, pierre, manny... Watch him make manny and Juan Pierre look like little leaguers... do it now!
Lets recap.

Gregg sucks.

Is B J Ryan healthy yet?

Jake Fox is the new hotness.

And Madison Bumgarner lives inside my heart now.

why are you still reading this?

Go to the Youtube!

GO!
Posted on: July 27, 2009 5:02 pm
 

Lets reflect.

Ok everyone please allow me one moment to say something I've been dying to say for a long time.
THE Cubs ARE IN FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhhh thank you that felt good. 
Now we must address the Holiday situation, its been long enough I'm ready to talk.
Its been a trying week for me.  Lets just say this Holiday thing hasn't been easy for me.  Really!  After learning about the trade local authorities had to talk me off the ledge of a very tall building.  I mean how much am I supposed to take!  First Marky becomes one of those red devils now Matt.  Poor Matt Holiday.  I remember just one year ago when I drafted Matt in the first round of my redraft league, FIRST ROUND!  I can remember how I used to wake up in the morning and feel safe cuz I knew Matt Holiday was in my outfield.  What a difference a year makes.  Now my joy has been cruely turned into some perverse joke.  Two of my favorite MLB players made prisoner of the enemy.  
Now poor Matt and Mark are forced, FORCED (by gunpoint no doubt) to play baseball for the heathens to the south.  
Every time I think of the two of them I just want to cry.  
Cry because there's nothing I can do.  
God I can just see their little faces now, full of terror and sorrow every time they walk into that locker room.  I can see little Mark shaking in the corner while Albert Pujols pumps himself full of every bovine steroid known to man.  I can almost see Matt's hands shaking as he buttons up the white and red rag they force him to wear, all the while Tony La Russa stands nude in a candle strewn pentagram his skin glistening with the blood of a freshly killed ram, all part of some strange ritual he performs to his dark evil overlords, who in return give him a completed lineup card. 
I can see the two of them clutching to each other in terror while Rick Ankiel hands another new born child over to a red robed satan (all part of the deal he made to stay in baseball when he realized he couldn't pitch.)  Satan Places the child into the satiny folds of his crimson frock then looks at the two terrified prisoners.  "Soon," he croaks with one long clawed finger pointed at them, "soon you will give yourselves to me, just like the others."  Then, his eyes blazing red, Mephistopheles vanishes into a plume of hell fire.
What could I possibly do to save them?  I am just a lowly CBS sports blogger, I have no power to rival the dark forces at work in that club house.  All that remains now my good friends is prayer.  
Pray.
Mark and Matt are lost to us, they have been drawn in to the sickening web of pain and evil that is Bush stadium.  There will be no saving them.  Everyday there young minds will be worn away by La Russa's dark sermons.  If their minds cannot be corrupted through words than they will corrupt them through the flesh.  Adam Wainright and Chris Carpenter will invite them to join in their decadent Black Orgies, where sweat, blood and other viscous fluids pour like water over young virgin offerings, given to them by their mindless followers.
They will resist, they will, but in the end it will be to much. Matt and Mark will become part of the coven, brothers in darkness.  The only thing we can hope for them is that the end will be swift, and painless.  Pray that their souls will be saved from that evil and that when their end comes they will fly free of those demons. 
Pray, that the shining sword of truth that lies in the Ivy covered chapel to the north will cut through that festering chapel of the damned.  
When the time comes for Mark and Matt to face the Blue clad Knights Templar pray that they will be killed quickly.  
Farewell friends you shall be missed.
For when the night is blackest, that is when approaches the dawn.
and... CUBS ARE IN FIRST PLACE!
going to the game tonight, gonna get me a big ole slice of some Astro ass!

Posted on: July 21, 2009 6:07 pm
 

A Buzz about the Nationals

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A Buzz about the Nats.

 

 

Ok Kids I haven’t posted in a while and for that I’m monumentally sorry, really I am, I feel pain in my soul for not keeping up with the huge demand that this blog attracts!  Yes that’s right I care about each and every one of you, all three of you. 

Well anyway in any event I’m gonna cover a couple things today first and foremost I want to cover some news that has made me go absolutely APESHIT!

Ok, if any of you watch the all star celebrity softball game (Don’t make fun of me too bad, I work in a bar and have to keep ESPN on at all times.) if you did watch the meaningless time waster I’m talking about you may have noticed that Billy Bob Thornton played in it.  Now if you noticed that ole Billy Bob played you may have also noticed that he is a Cardinals fan (GASP!) Now and please try to keep up, If you noticed that he is a Cardinals fan you may have also noticed that the announcers mentioned that Billy Bob is to produce the upcoming film adaptation of “Three Nights In August.”

Now for those of you who don’t know what “Three Nights In August” is, it’s a book written by Buzz Bissinger (wrote Friday Night Lights) about a three game series in 2003 between the Cubs and the Cardinals told from the point of view of Tony “DUI” La Russa.

Ok first off, the book sucks, its horrible.  Bissinger an avid Cards fan loses all semblance of objectivity in his “reporting”  and all he really does is stroke the worlds biggest stroke for about three-hundred pages.  Also he chooses to cover a three game series in St. Louis but makes no mention of the five game series held in Wrigley just one week later (Cubs win four of five and put final nail in Cards coffin.)

I’m sorry as far as baseball strategy books go I’m sticking to “Moneyball”  Buzz can go blow Tony all season long for all I care.  The only thing worse than having to here him sing the praises of all of Tony’s voodoo witchcraft crap in dugout is now we get to see Slingblade produce the big screen adaptation.

SLINGBLADE!  That’s all you could get?  That’s cuz no one else outside of St. Louis cares!  Great job guys, way to go this movie is going to make millions!  Geez they should let Ole Billy Bobbo play Tony too, he could use his slingblade voice!

 

It would go something like this I bet…

 

Slingblade La Russa- Mmm Hum I reckon I’m gonna haves me the pitcher bat eighth.

 

Dave Duncan- Tony youse a looney tunes!

 

Slingblade La Russa- Mmm now I like them French fried potaters, have Albert get me another cans’o that potted meat if we got any extree.

 

Buzz-(says nothing we just hear slurping noises.)

 

Slingblade La Russa – MMMMMMMMM

 

         If there is a god and he’s a baseball fan this movie will never EVER make it out of production.

 

         Next up is the series the cubs just played in Washington DC.  I hear one more person mock the Cubs because the Nationals suck so bad im going to scream.  What did you people want the Cubs to do?  Play seven guys?  Pitch underhanded?  Honestly its not the Cubs fault that the Nats suck.   Geez if we would have lost you would all be screaming “Oh god the Cubs suck, they cant beat the Nationals!”  but now we sweep them (as a good team should.)  and everyone screams “the Cubs still suck cuz they just beat the Nationals.” 

 

         God, it must really hurt to be a Nats fan.

 

 

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Posted on: July 8, 2009 5:24 am
 

What the devil!

          Ryan Dempster! You Douche bag!

          I loved you!  I stood by you even when you were the worst (not worst, just most heart wrecking) closer ever!  Last season I drafted you in my redraft league... In like the 20th round! Way early!  And well Ryan, you were instrumental in me coming in 3rd in that league! 3rd! (everyone Im happy about third!)  And if you would have had the chance (Ryan) you would have won that league for me, but that mothertrucking hurricane took away your start in the playoffs (fantasy playoffs)  and crapola I lost that week by like 3 points (stupid fantasy points leagues!) Now though, now you broke your toe... Your TOE! Jumping over a fence to celebrate a win.  DAMNIT RYAN this was a TWO start week for you... I was counting on you!  Just like I was counting on you in the playoffs (real playoffs) last year (captain walks alot!) Why do you hurt me!  A toe!  REALLY A TOE!


Next time please... PLEASE, buy some drinks!  Ill pay!  No jumpy jumpy over the fence, just drinky drinky!  Ok?

Honestly! Your toe!

Thank god!  Thank baby Jesus that Wells is such a stud.

Ryan... were in a fight.
Posted on: July 7, 2009 7:32 pm
 

Albert, you cheater.

Albert Pujols is a cheater.
He does steroids.
He does more than one steroid.
I bet he does about eight different steroids.
Yep thats right, I said it, Albert Pujols does about ten different steroids.
I even heard that one of them was a steroid developed specifically for circus elephants.
He does elephant steroids.
Also, "The Machine"?
If Albert Pujols is a half man half machine cyborg baseball player than he is definitely a cheater.
Everyone else in baseball is 100% human, but not Albert, no no no, he's part machine, and the human part as we covered earlier is using elephant steroids.
Cheater.
Also, I don't know about the rest of you but Im pretty sure that technology has not advanced far enough yet to create cyborgs.  So that means, and I'm sure many of you are already with me.  That means that Albert Pujols along with being a elephant steroid using cyborg, is from the future.The future!
Cheater!
Being from the future means that he could have look at tapes of baseball games that haven't even happened yet and then recorded every pitch into his computer brain!  That cheating steroid pumping future cyborg knows exactly which pitch is coming before the pitcher even goes into his wind up!
Cheater!
Not to mention and I know I'm not the first person to hear about this, but Albert Pujols sold his soul to the Devil.  Thats right folks "The Machine" as you St. Louis types call him is in league with Lucifer himself!  What a cheater.
Lets Recap:
Albert Pujols takes elephant steroids, is a cyborg from the future, and sold his soul to the Devil. I also heard he pays a cuban man named Manny Christobal Consuelo fifty bucks every game to sit in the stands and steal signals from the catcher.
CHEATER!
All I can say is no self respecting fan of MLB should be allowing this. I am writing this as a completely objective, neutral observer.  In my opinion you just aren't a baseball fan if you can watch that half roided man, half future machine. sign stealing, devil worshipping Cardinal.  This isn't the game that our ancestors built for us.  Babe Ruth is rolling in his grave.  Ty Cobb is crying tears from heaven... ok... Hell, Ty Cobb is crying in Hell.
Cheater!
Im Boycotting the All-Star game.
I refuse to drive through St. Louis.
I WILL NOT WEAR RED!  Red is the uniform of the cheater!
Im not even going to eat red things! No more apples, no more spaghetti, no more cherry slurpies!  Its all out!
I see a Cardinal at my bird bath, I'm shooting it! I don't care if its the state bird!
So you all know have a choice to make. 
An easy choice.
Join me on the side of right, or join Albert on the side of satanic future robots (on the roids)!  I think your decision is easy.
thank you.
Oh yeah one more thing, next time you watch that Satanic hitting robot smash one of his roid fueled bombs... Take a look at the pine tar... Just a little bit to high.
CHEATER!
Posted on: July 5, 2009 12:06 pm
 

Oh Rich.

Well looks like Rich Harden is hurt again, or at least thats what I keep telling myself because lets be brutally honest, he's awful this year.  So injury must be the problem, it has too.  How else can you explain the absolute failing of a guy a lot of people smarter than me thought was going to be a ligit ace.  Lets take a gander at the numbers, right now the mighty Harden is 5-5 with a 5.35 ERA and a whopping 1.49 whip.  Holy cornbread Batman thats just bad.  Oh how i yearn for better times. Much this season I find myself thinking about how happy I was when the Cubs traded for him midseason last year.  I remember telling all my friends that i was going to design "I've got a Hard On for Harden" tee shirts, and how I was going to sell them out in front of Wrigley Field.  That was the plan and I was going to make millions!  What now?  What am I supposed to do now?  Thank good I didn't spend the dough to have those puppies printed up, I'd probably be on the street right now cleaning car windows with them looking for handouts.   So here it goes.
Rich.
Rich, please buddy.  If you have a chance, and only if you have a chance, please, take a little time to, now wait!  I'm not trying to be a bother or take up any of your time, for real!  I'm just saying if you could, and only if you have a few extra minutes to spare, could you please, just real quick like, could you maybe pull your head the hell out of your ass, and then after that could you stop blowing.
Thank you.
Hugs!
Category: MLB
 
 
 
 
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